7 Days Post Op

Yesterday was my appointment  for the unveiling of my new chest and to have the drain tubes taken out.   It couldn't have come soon enough.  The drain spots were getting so painful.  I could only sleep on my back, in one position.  I didn't want to be on pain pills so I had stopped taking them 4 days ago.  I did take one pill before the appointment to ease the pain of the tube removal.  I remember 11yrs ago the fact that that hurt so much in itself.  I was pleasantly surprised that it actually didn't hurt at all.  

Here is the link to youtube of the video Angie took of the appointment.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMn7oaMPEBI 

How do I feel?  Mentally, Amazing!  It's gone!  I now have pecs!  Physically, pretty sore.  I can't describe the pain.  Kind of a tingly pain across my whole chest.  Probably a combination of the nerves waking up and the trauma of 7lbs of tissue and skin being cut out!  Yeah, 7lbs of old mental pain and disgust gone!  It is very liberating.

Over 20+ yrs ago when I had serious thoughts of transitioning I had a hard time finding anyone I could connect with, relate to.  There wasn't the online information like there is now.  There weren't people blogging, people posting pictures of their transition.   Either people were in the closet about their life or people would commit suicide because they had the hardest life and didn't have a support system.  Heck even now people are still committing suicide because of these same issues.  I had a great life.  No, not perfect, there is no perfect life.  I was never suicidal, I have parents and a sister  that love me and have always been there for me. But now there are more and more avenues for help.  The majority of what you find online is the younger generation not a lot of females over 40 transitioning.  Then the other majority of online pictures are of younger FTMs skinny, ripped abs, healthy lil things.  I can't relate to that either.  That can cause some dysphoria in itself!  I posted my before and after picture on an online site yesterday with a small blurb about my age and such.  No I am not fit, I am not young, my before picture is not very pretty in some eyes and my after picture is not fit but I received a comment thanking me for they are 44 and just starting their journey.  This has now hit me about why people put themselves out there with their story, making themselves vulnerable.   It's to help just one person live as their authentic self!

I'm 2 days post op. 

Angie and I got up and got ready Tuesday morning.  The feeling in the air was that of nervousness and excitement.  I got to the hospital, checked in, changed into the lovely hospital attire.  Angie and I had a few moments alone, realizing that the day had finally come.  A wave of happiness and content came over me.  I was ready, not nervous any more.

Surgery went very well.  The soreness is kicking in big time today.  I decided to go to my brother in laws birthday dinner last night, maybe I overdid it a tiny bit?  Maybe it's just the fact that I have had a bunch of tissue cut off my chest.  I am starting to feel where the incisions probably are and have two drain tubes going in that hurt more then anything.   I have a bunch of gauze and a binder on.  Monday I go back to the Dr. to have the "unveiling"  and have the tubes taken out.  I remember how much that hurt 11yrs ago when I had a reduction.  *Shudder*   I can't wait until Monday.  I know it won't be perfect, stitches, bruising, swelling, it will be ugly yet beautiful at the same time.   

My mental state?  It's good.  I still have the best support system with my family and friends even friends that I'm not close with.   I'm still a little amazed at that in itself.

I am starting to acknowledge the 47 years of ingrained behavior of living in a "female world" needs to be untrained.  That's kind of scary.  The biggest first fear to tackle?  Using a mens bathroom for the first time.  When do I think I will "pass" enough in order to do this?  I need to buy a device in order to urinate standing up.  Think about it....normal tasks taken for granted.....learned as a child, as a teenager...now having to learn at 47!  Shaving/grooming included.  Luckily I don't have to worry about changing hairstyles.  haha  Speaking of shaving, I stopped that my last week of work before my leave.  It's taking it's sweet time but at least I don't have it competing with my old chest. 

Last night at the restaurant, the waiter threw me for a little loop.  I had been going through the disappointment that even though I was on T  that people were still using female pronouns.  I was chalking it up to still having a chest and an "in between" face.  Well last night at the restaurant there was a comment using "he" (it was actually about my brother in law) but the waiter looked directly at me thinking I was the one they were talking about.

Yes!