5/20/16

A year and a half since the start of my next chapter.   This is going to be short because of a lot of issues this week.  But I did want to put something down on this anniversary day. 

What's happening with my body?

A bit more hairy.  A lot more hair on my back (which my wife just "loves").  I have to protect myself from her desire to sneak attack with the wax strips!  More hair on my chest and belly. Noticing the hair slowly getting thicker and moving down my arms onto my hands.  More facial hair because I have been letting it go to see what I can do with it.  My skin has been getting much tougher.  Shots are getting harder to do in my legs because of this.   My weight is distributing more from my rear to my belly.  So now I have joined a gym to get rid of said belly and to start toning/building the muscles in my chest and arms.  Feet are actually widening a little bit which sucks because I had wide feet to begin with.  It's interesting to discover the little changes as time goes on.  I don't see the facial structure changes on a day to day, month to month basis.  It takes the comparison pictures I take for it to sink in about that changes.

Attitude change is kicking in over the last couple of months.  Temper is a lot more prominent now.  I used to be able to know when the temper was coming, I was aware of my words that were coming and I could stifle them when needed.  Now the filter is gone!  It is truly difficult to stop the bad/wrong words from coming out until it's too late.  This is a huge challenge at work!  Blood pressure has been an issue and my Dr. and I are working on that. 

I have a hard time sorting/organizing my thoughts.  There is a bunch of controversy going on about Transgender people using the "correct" bathroom.  While I can get upset quickly about little things like bad drivers etc, I can not put together my thoughts in a constructive way to debate against the people that are against "us".

I do want to write more about this but I have some more pertinent issues to deal with first.

Until then.....

Today I am full of emotions but not exactly sure how to put them all down.

It was one year ago today that I started this Next Chapter.  The date wasn't planned but it just so happens to be Transgender Day of Remembrance, a day to reflect on those who have lost their lives living their authentic self.  Transgender people that have been murdered due to hate/bigotry/violence but should also include those who have taken their own lives as a result of not being able to deal with the pressures of their journey.

1/2015

I feel very blessed that I have had a smooth transition.  I have a great support system with Family and Friends,  near and far.  I have always lived my life with the guidance that if it's meant to be, it will be.  This is also why I feel that this year has been a whirlwind with transitioning physically and mentally.  So many people have/need to wait years to start/live their authentic lives, be it starting hormones or getting surgeries.  I see so many people that have intense struggles with mental health, religion, family etc.  Sometimes I think that this has been too easy for me but then I remember that I haven't had those struggles in my life, I've always had the strength to live authentically.  I wish "society" would let everyone be/live as themselves.

11/20/2015

 

I went to the Dr. in the beginning of the month and got my levels checked.   Estrogen is down to 66 from 90 and Testosterone is at 712.   Everything is good!  I still weigh the same but the fat is re distributing to my belly.  I need to start working on getting rid of that.  My skin is getting so thick and I have the worse acne on my back!  The hair is growing all over my back.  The beard is taking it's sweet time but coming in although it's getting kind of scraggly.  The mustache is still small and light.  It seems that it takes about guys about 2yrs for it to be fuller and come up over the chin.

11/2015

My chest is healing nicely.  I am happy with the results.  I see the possibility of getting a revision to take care of the "dog ears" along the back/sides.  Unfortunately because of my breast reduction 12yrs ago, I do have some bigger scars along the sides.  It is still a bit sensitive, I think it is the nerves slowly coming back.  The hair has been growing on my belly and is slowly coming along on my chest.

 I loved summer!  Swimming was amazing! Feeling so free after 47yrs is amazing!

 It's interesting on how my everyday interactions have changed.  The biggest thing I have had to get used to is the way guys talk to other guys.   It's very hard to explain but it is so much more down played and casual.  Mainly in the greeting or closing interactions.  "Hey man, thanks man...one time I got "Hey chief".....  What is that all about??    For the most part people are doing a good job switching from female to male pro nouns.  There are a couple people that just can't get it.  I still understand that it takes time.  Usually if people catch their mistake right away it's fine.  I am understanding the frustrations with this though.  I'm at the point where new people that I come into contact with don't know of my transition.  It's not that I don't want people to know but I will only be open to those I choose.  When someone slips up with the pro-nouns, it is "outing" me to this new person. 

11/20/2014  5/15  8/15  11/20/2015

I don't know if I will do any more blogging.  I'm not great at it and now that the first year is over major changes have taken place, I'm not sure what I will have to add.  I have talked to a few people that have mentioned that this has been a good thing for them to follow.  Not realizing it at the time, I am flattered that putting my story out there has done some good.  I guess that's all I can ask for...

Today is my 6 month anniversary of starting this new journey.  

It seems like forever since I started then on the other hand it seems like just yesterday.  I feel very fortunate that it has been a smooth journey. 

The biggest thing that has happened is my chest surgery.  A lot of people wait/have to wait years before they can have surgery due to financial, life etc.  I don't know that I could have waited without it affecting me badly.  My healing is going well.  The right side has a bit more fat tissue left over so it cause some discomfort.  Hopefully I can start losing some weight now and that will go down.  I go back to the Dr. the end of June and we will see if a revision can be done to get rid of any excess skin.  I hardly wear a shirt around the house anymore, only when it's cold.  We went to a gay bar on Sunday and I only wore my leather vest.  It was a huge step for me but I just forced myself to be okay with it.  My friends were very supportive.  Today I went outside and sat on the door step without a shirt.  I'm forcing myself to take these steps to get more comfortable and to get some sun on this white belly!  It takes a lot of work to get over 47 years of "female society". Gay Pride is the first weekend of June and I want to go shirtless.  I'm proud of finally being where I want to be and want to show off!

I went back to work 3 days ago after having 8 weeks off to heal.  It is weird to be back.  I am feeling a bit self conscious.  Nothing has happened but I feel like some people don't know how to act.  It's probably just in my head.  I know it will pass with some time.

WARNING:  This next paragraph will be a bit personal about below the belt.

My other new learning point is using the mens restroom.  Luckily I have enough facial hair now to not draw attention.  I bought a STP  (Stand To Pee) device. It is a silicone, funnel, hollow penis replica.  I wont go into too much detail but it does work pretty effectively.  Again, it's hard to break 47yrs of behavior of using the womens restroom. 

For those who are wondering, I will not be having bottom surgery.  It is very expensive, extensive and very few surgeons can do it "perfectly".

So 6 months later and I am working through my fears of retraining 47yrs of female actions into male life!

Here is a picture of the first week 6 months ago and today! 

7 Days Post Op

Yesterday was my appointment  for the unveiling of my new chest and to have the drain tubes taken out.   It couldn't have come soon enough.  The drain spots were getting so painful.  I could only sleep on my back, in one position.  I didn't want to be on pain pills so I had stopped taking them 4 days ago.  I did take one pill before the appointment to ease the pain of the tube removal.  I remember 11yrs ago the fact that that hurt so much in itself.  I was pleasantly surprised that it actually didn't hurt at all.  

Here is the link to youtube of the video Angie took of the appointment.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMn7oaMPEBI 

How do I feel?  Mentally, Amazing!  It's gone!  I now have pecs!  Physically, pretty sore.  I can't describe the pain.  Kind of a tingly pain across my whole chest.  Probably a combination of the nerves waking up and the trauma of 7lbs of tissue and skin being cut out!  Yeah, 7lbs of old mental pain and disgust gone!  It is very liberating.

Over 20+ yrs ago when I had serious thoughts of transitioning I had a hard time finding anyone I could connect with, relate to.  There wasn't the online information like there is now.  There weren't people blogging, people posting pictures of their transition.   Either people were in the closet about their life or people would commit suicide because they had the hardest life and didn't have a support system.  Heck even now people are still committing suicide because of these same issues.  I had a great life.  No, not perfect, there is no perfect life.  I was never suicidal, I have parents and a sister  that love me and have always been there for me. But now there are more and more avenues for help.  The majority of what you find online is the younger generation not a lot of females over 40 transitioning.  Then the other majority of online pictures are of younger FTMs skinny, ripped abs, healthy lil things.  I can't relate to that either.  That can cause some dysphoria in itself!  I posted my before and after picture on an online site yesterday with a small blurb about my age and such.  No I am not fit, I am not young, my before picture is not very pretty in some eyes and my after picture is not fit but I received a comment thanking me for they are 44 and just starting their journey.  This has now hit me about why people put themselves out there with their story, making themselves vulnerable.   It's to help just one person live as their authentic self!

I'm 2 days post op. 

Angie and I got up and got ready Tuesday morning.  The feeling in the air was that of nervousness and excitement.  I got to the hospital, checked in, changed into the lovely hospital attire.  Angie and I had a few moments alone, realizing that the day had finally come.  A wave of happiness and content came over me.  I was ready, not nervous any more.

Surgery went very well.  The soreness is kicking in big time today.  I decided to go to my brother in laws birthday dinner last night, maybe I overdid it a tiny bit?  Maybe it's just the fact that I have had a bunch of tissue cut off my chest.  I am starting to feel where the incisions probably are and have two drain tubes going in that hurt more then anything.   I have a bunch of gauze and a binder on.  Monday I go back to the Dr. to have the "unveiling"  and have the tubes taken out.  I remember how much that hurt 11yrs ago when I had a reduction.  *Shudder*   I can't wait until Monday.  I know it won't be perfect, stitches, bruising, swelling, it will be ugly yet beautiful at the same time.   

My mental state?  It's good.  I still have the best support system with my family and friends even friends that I'm not close with.   I'm still a little amazed at that in itself.

I am starting to acknowledge the 47 years of ingrained behavior of living in a "female world" needs to be untrained.  That's kind of scary.  The biggest first fear to tackle?  Using a mens bathroom for the first time.  When do I think I will "pass" enough in order to do this?  I need to buy a device in order to urinate standing up.  Think about it....normal tasks taken for granted.....learned as a child, as a teenager...now having to learn at 47!  Shaving/grooming included.  Luckily I don't have to worry about changing hairstyles.  haha  Speaking of shaving, I stopped that my last week of work before my leave.  It's taking it's sweet time but at least I don't have it competing with my old chest. 

Last night at the restaurant, the waiter threw me for a little loop.  I had been going through the disappointment that even though I was on T  that people were still using female pronouns.  I was chalking it up to still having a chest and an "in between" face.  Well last night at the restaurant there was a comment using "he" (it was actually about my brother in law) but the waiter looked directly at me thinking I was the one they were talking about.

Yes! 

Today marks 2 months since my first shot of Testosterone.  It doesn't seem that long but on the other hand it seems like forever to get this far.

What changes have happened due to the T?  I can feel the effects now.  My body temperature is a little warmer, some hot flashes.  Also a little more irritable and impatient...or maybe that's just at work  ;).  My hunger is huge!  I can eat then a little while later, I am painfully hungry again!!   A major change is acne on my head!  Not on my face but on my head!  All over my temples and along the back of my head.  Crazy!  My voice is starting to be deeper on a consistent basis when talking normal.  When I talk with inflictions it goes back up to where it was.  It now sounds like I have a cold when I don't!  I've also noticed that I'm getting a little more facial hair.  It's not very noticeable but I see it!  The 'stache is getting a tiny darker!  In bright enough light, you can see it!!!

Yes, I am very anxious for facial hair.  I have always wanted facial hair!  I have pics at Halloween where the costumes revolved around doing painted facial hair when I was younger.  Heck, even now....the first thing I think of when planning Halloween costumes with Angie is "What can I do that will involve facial hair"? 

I have been watching a bunch of Youtube videos of transitions, I applaud the people that are good with tracking their journey.  It's amazing and I wish I was as dedicated at doing the same.   I try hard to do this because it was requested and  for me to look back at someday.

Last Monday I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon that my Dr. referred me to.  Angie was able to go with me! :)   It was a quick visit.  I went in thinking (assuming) that my insurance would not cover it.  Oh yeah, they said that when I made the appt.! The total for the surgery??  $5886!!   So we talked about doing the top surgery about Feb 2016 (next tax return).  She was fine with doing that far out because when she found out I had only been on T for 2 months and had not talked with a therapist, she was shocked.  She said if I did it any sooner I would need a letter from a Dr. stating that I have Gender Dysphoria. 

Dysphoria......I personally don't like that word.  It sounds like a disease or something.  I understand that it's a condition but I don't think of myself as having a condition.  I was just born with the wrong body!   I digress ...

So Angie and I had been talking that we should still call our insurance company and verify that they don't pay for it.  Well she called today......

THEY COVER IT!!  So after a few calls to my Dr. and the plastic surgeon.....I will be getting a letter from my Dr. and give it to the Surgeon and they are going to try to get a Pre-Authorization!  It seems too good to be true but we will keep our fingers crossed!  Hardest part will be getting 4-6 weeks off of work before the end of the year (which is when we had planned on doing it if we could save enough)  Actually getting it done before April 1st because our deductible is paid up right now and insurance starts new April 1st. 

I need to get it done as soon as possible.  I can not have my mind as a male and have a constant reminder of a female body.  Why....WHY did I have to get the big breast gene from my mother and grandmother???   Binding sucks!  I can't breathe, sit or eat comfortably.  Both Dr.s have nothing nice to say about binders either.  But, with the binder and a couple of shirts.....Not too shabby!

I am more then ready to go through the pain I know is involved to start loving my body.  I am starting to wonder what the sun will feel like on my bare chest.  It's a weird thought but I can't wait!

I love Saturday mornings........time with Angie.....lounging around.

This morning we were talking and playing around.  She all of a sudden noticed some new hairs on my face.  So out came the mirror.  After thorough exploring of my entire face with the flashlight then bringing out the camera....

The picture does not show all the detailed whiskers but they are showing up!  I have always had a longer side of normal stray hairs on my left but now they are more prominent.  There are a few random hairs popping up through out also.

This is super exciting but now a new challenge.  I was in the mind set that until the T took effect in some visual manner that I was not going to stress so badly about binding. 

This is surprisingly a new thought process that has now hit me today......